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Type1civilian's avatar

The indignities of involuntary psychiatric holds are something I am unfortunately very personally familiar with. In my case, an 18 year saga of depression and inconsolable loneliness that I've only recently managed to redress by overcoming difficulties associated with being autistic. In my time I have met people like your father. It is difficult to know the remedy for such circumstances, and there is a difficult line between taking things personally and seeking the salve of indifference to what appears to be a hopeless situation.

I don't know what the balance is for you or what else has transpired between you and your father over the years, but from my own experience there is a value in seeking to build a sense of humble persistence in the course of getting mental health treatment, such as it is. I don't know if earning forgiveness is something your father will seek if he has reason to hate himself, for his own inadequacies, or for mistreating the people around him in his delusions. I don't know if you, or the people in his life matter enough to externally motivate him to change his ways. It doesn't seem like they have up to the precipice that he now stands on.

It may help to simplify the scope of your requests. A few years of peace for your mother may be too complicated for him to process in the way you'd hope; earning your love and forgiveness too high a bar reach for. Instead, ask for simple moments. Moments of levity, where joy can exist in spite of his involuntary hold, music can be useful for this. Moments of truth, where he recognizes and accepts the realities of his life, however small, pictures can be useful for this. From these kinds of moments, larger moments can be built, and eventually larger endeavors. In many ways, this kind of thing is similar to any attempt to build a skill in something. Start with the basics, then work from there. The highest levels of patience will be required by everyone involved. At least, this is my advice based on my understanding of what you have written, and it is not exhaustive, nor practical in many ways. It's simply a gentler approach.

Of course, there is a larger world you have to contend with yourself, with a daughter of your own to take care of, so what I've said might not be appealing. I think in the end, the relationships we have exist in a larger practice of living in the world with minds, bodies, and circumstances we have, and ultimately, it is a personal decision what we choose to take from life. I'll conclude by saying that there is a value in the way you handle your interactions with your father whether he makes progress or not, and I think writing about it is a good start. Thanks for sharing.

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Keith S Schuerholz's avatar

This is painful to read, but know that I love your writing and feel for your family. I know many Korean American immigrants and I know their struggles as well as an outsider can.

I am thankful for your father for having produced you and your family. You are someone who adds greatly to my life and I know your daughter will be no less important as she grows older.

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